gloomy day.

i got passed up today for the musical i really wanted to stage manage for my theater club this fall. they offered me the play instead, which is still going to be fun and at least i got an offer at all, but i can't help but feel really sad. plus i was banking on this show being on my resume for my grad school application. i'm the senior-most stage manager in the club with the most experience, and i can't help but feel like part of the reason i was passed up was for popularity contest reasons. still, i'm trying to look on the bright side, but i did end up spending the whole day moping in my room and rearraging the posters on my wall.

long time no diary entry. i've been back in the states for about 2 weeks now and i'm relfecting on my time living in italy, and about what my summer will be like home in bumfucknowhere usa. i realize that i pretty much have no friends left in my hometown after high school ended so i basically have no one to hang out with lol. it's a weird and complicated story why. one of my old high school friends reached out which is nice but also i know that the only reason they did is because no one else is home from college yet. still, i like being home with my kitty and my parents, but i'm excited to go back to college where i am cool (FOR MY SENIOR YEAR HOLY FUCK!!!!)

oddly enough i am really jonesing for a camping trip right about now. the road to the national park next to my house is closed but i am itching to go so baaaad. damn you snow.

top 5 things in my airbnb rn:

5. stenciled portraits of the beatles above the bed

4. terribly constructed impromptu loft where the planks aren't nailed down

3. painting of mao zedong that was definitely made by the owner

2. uncovered spiral staircase descending into a scary basement that you almost fall down every time you walk in the front door

and 1. toilet paper is hung on a pencil

thursday the 27th was the last day of my study abroad progrem :') i've been living in italy for 4 months and i can't really believe that it's over and i'm moving back to the usa soon.

my parents arrived and i'm really happy to see them again and spend time with them. we're travelling around and spending about a week with my cousins here in europe which is pretty exciting and fun. not gonna lie tho i am excited to go home and finally see my cat again. i swear i am making a whole shrine dedicated to my cat the instant i get home.

anyway i'm spending family time being normal and not always online for the next week so there won't be any updates for a hot minute. i'll put the new song of the week up but after that enjoy the peace and quiet and i'll work on the site soon < 3

every day i cry because apparently i look heterosexual :(

shit with my roommate is so weird right now. i was telling some friends about why she's mad at me and they pointed out that the root of why she's mad is because of something i said a whole 7 weeks ago that she's just been festering over while i had no idea she was so upset. i feel like she is treating me unfairly because how was i supposed to know she's been holding this grudge if she literally never told me :/ maybe im not the most observant person but it's also unfair to expect me to notice that she's unhappy and getting mad at me when i don't instead of just, you know, telling me. she's been hanging out with our friends without me and bitching about me to them lmao. i feel like this should upset me more than it does but honestly we move back to the states in a week so i am just minding my business and if she wants to ignore me and talk behind my back that's not my problem.

my whole friend group has devolved into bizarre drama this past few weeks honestly. what the fuck is going on.

my roommate is mad at me and i accidentally cried in front of her and now we're not talking so thats how my weekend went.

the good news to counteract that though is that a group chat i am in got revived last night and its been really really nice talking to everyone again. i feel so good i love having friends ♡

sidenote i've recently been reliving my homestuck phase (oh no) but i remembered back when i was in the trenches i discovered this musical production of homestuck written and produced by this group of high school kids that i absolutely loved, and after revisiting it i am happy to report that it still slays actually. there is literally nothing on this planet i love more than kids who make "cringy" art out of geniune love and passion. also the songs are genuinely good, the actor who plays jade wrote them all themself and like holy shit thats nothing to scoff at. i tried looking them up to see if theyre still making music but i think they use a different name now bc i found nothing. if anyone feels like being cringe but free with me here is a link to the whole show and the cast album. maybe when i make a proper blog and not just a diary i will make a whole entry about it. ive been listening to the songs on loop.

happy 413 lol subtly exposing myself right now

finally finished with exam hell week hooray (i say as though finals aren't in 2 weeks and my academic life isn't fucked). i got my grade back for my big exam and got an insanely good score, and my oral presentation today went pretty well so i'm feeling great tbh. someone in my class complimented my speaking skills and said that i have the same cadence as john green so brb about to make a youtube video essay channel (i wont lie i've considered it).

i saw the mario movie 2 days ago and it actually slapped. jack black is such a king and tbh crisp rat didnt do that bad. if you are debating seeing it you should i had so much fun.

happy easter lol

i want to preface this entry by saying that this page is going to be populated by me venting my frustrations. this is pretty much my diary right now. if you're on some random nobody's website reading their diary then you know what to expect. so i might be a little negative and angsty is all. i don't know why i am justifying myself right now. let's proceed.

i know that i am a very envious person. like envy is my cardinal deadly sin. this has always been my problem and i've worked on it, but i still lately have been getting like super nauseatingly envious of other's art skills lately. i've been like severevly burnt out for the past 3 years and drawing has suddenly gotten a lot harder for me when it just wasn't before, leading to my improvement basically grinding to a halt, making me really unhappy with my art, making me not want to draw anymore, etc etc the cycle never ends. whenever i see artsist whose work just blow my tits off (lmao) i feel like my brain is going to crawl out of my eye sockets i get so jealous. i've been grappling with my envy issues since i was 15 but some days are still hard, and today is one of those days i guess. if anyone has advice on how to get out of a 3 year rut i'd love to hear it, i don't know. maybe all this envy is good for me, if i make my blood boil enough maybe i can forcefully instil some motivation.

writing makes me feel better at least :) i have a midterm exam tuesday and an oral presentation thursday so i'm on that uni grind, so site development might slow for a minute. the gallery layout is the bane of my existence right now but i'll figure it out eventually, i really need to learn how to make iframes lol. i have my next song of the week planned and ready to go for tomorrow, so that's exciting! now wish me luck on my midterm because i should really be studying instead of writing this.

ollie's constant need to be a creative genius vs ollie's constant burnout: fight

i decided to take an internship this semester to buff out my resume and stuff but i definitely think i bit off more than i could chew. i am waaaay underqualified for this position idk how i even got here, and its so much more work than i anticipated. i am a very easily overwhelmed person. rip me.

i've been stress eating nutella straight out of the jar

brain hurt. creative juices gone.

i'm trying really hard to come up with creative and pleasing layouts for my subpages but i definitely think i'm being too hard on myself. i need to remind myself that i've only been working on this site for a cumulative week: it's ok to slow down and let things be ugly for a little while.

anyway i have no clue how to style both the song of the week page and my about page. bleeeugh.

i'm definitely overthinking this layout. i'm just struggling to decide what i want, i'm realizing as i code this that i dont exactly have a defined "aesthetic", which was going to be part of the fun in coding since i could make every page different, but actually it means that i dont know where to begin. i'm just struggling to capture my vibe, if you know what i mean

anyway life update, my friends are being shitty and booked the vacation we were supposed to go on together without me, so i guess i'm not going. i would say that i'm upset but i'm kind of not, i kind of saw this coming. i move back to the usa in a month anyway so who even cares, it's not like i'll hang out with these people again after this. still sucks tho

basis for my blog assets are kicked off. idk how much i love what I have yet but it can be a work in progress.

anyway i finished the daisy jones series today. idk how much i like the changes to the ending, especially because they removed the daisy/camila scene which i miss, but i still liked it! i give it a 8/10.

currently listening to phil collins strangers like me from the fucking tarzan soundtrack on a loop because its a certified banger. it's making me feel the secret emotions.

ahahahaha this page is gonna be so sick once i get it to work and make assets and stuff.

anyway, i just got back from my spring break trip around eastern europe. lowkey jealous of my friends who went to spain and my roomie who went to morocco even though i was invited and totally couldve done that instead because i miss the ocean and tropical sounds nice, but my trip was still pretty sick. now time to sleep until the end of eternity.

testing to make sure this works lol